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💎Blang.js✨ more than just a <BLINK> polyfill!

How to add some <BLANG> to your website

CDN

<script src="https://rawcdn.githack.com/indolering/blang/master/blang.js"></script>
<link href="https://rawcdn.githack.com/indolering/blang/master/blang.css" rel="stylesheet">

Install

bower install blang.js --save

Background

In 2013, Mozilla removed support for the <BLINK> tag. But on a cold winter evening in 2016, the great Noodly one took pity on all of humanity and touched its prophet with its noodly appendage. During the following 3-day bender spiritual quest, FSM revealed that the removal of <BLINK> was actually a collusion between The Cult of Minimalism and the Epilepsy Buzzkill Foundation to corrupt web design.

Following this revelation, FSM took control of the keyboard and channeled through its prophet Blink.js, the immaculate <BLINK> polyfill. Blink.js isn't just some code that was kluged together from StackOverflow answers, it is a programming miracle on par with TempleOS! Blink.js:

  • Matches the EXACT blink rate of the original Gecko source code.
  • Extends the String prototype to include the native blink utility function.
  • Achieves ultimate speed via a highly advanced loop optimization technique known as a reverse while loop.
  • Compressed to less than 50 BYTES! Blink.js is so minified and compressed it downloads in 0 seconds!!!!

But however incredible Blink.js is, the polyfill was only FSM's way of proving the divine nature of its ultimate revelation: the <BLANG> tag; an Ark of Blanging Web Design!

The problem with <BLINK> is that it wasn't semantic HTML. Markup is structural, it is supposed to convey the meaning of the information, not how it is presented. This is why tags such as <i>, <b>, and <u> were replaced with <em>, <strong>, and <span style="text-decoration: underline">. The <BLANG> tag is a semantic <BLINK> HTML replacement, capable of conveying bling in the way <BLINK> and <MARQUEE> tags used to without restricting their visual representation.

So why not a <BLING> tag? Because FSM wanted to create an Ark of Web Design capable of holding every great web design trend:

  • <BLANG RFC> Transform any specification into a pile of numerically titled static documents formatted for a typewriter!
  • <BLANG 1000000-FREE-MINUTES> Animated cursors, comic sans, centered text alignment, and auto-playing WAV files!
  • <BLANG SLIDESHOW> Get more ad impressions by turning that 8 line clickbait piece into a slideshow!
  • <BLANG SOCIAL-NETWORKING> Jack up your social engagement metrics by making it easy for your readers to share links on Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp, LinkedIn, Snapchat, and Ashley Madison!
  • <BLANG APP> Who wouldn't want some random asshole being able to track your GPS location, scour your contact list, and run native code?!
  • <BLANG HACKER-NEWS> Turn any website into a one-off design that some Millennial hasn't bothered to update in a decade! Want markdown formatting in the comments? Fuck you!
  • <BLANG AI> Replace your FAQ section with an artificially intelligent paperclip!

So make your website #<BLANG> with #Blang.js! #MYEYESAREBLEEDINGPLEASEMAKEITSTOP